NO BOUNDARIES

You have no idea of “self”. Your constantly putting others and their needs before your own. It’s always yes, I’ll help everyone at work. Yes, I’ll help even if it stresses me out. Yes, I’ll do it even though it’s not my responsibility. Yes, I’ll help pay for it because I want you around. Your the person people tell to stand up for themselves more. Your the person they ask, why do you let them talk to you that way? Why are you even friends with them? Your the same person that defends their actions because you don’t want to lose them. It seems like your abandonment issues and insecurities are getting the best of you.


Your the person with no boundaries!


You ever catch yourself always changing your mind with friends and loved ones? You can never have the same job or major for long? Your so indecisive about everything. Your amazing and great but just can’t really figure out your purpose? Oh now your paying attention because I’ve just read your life in a few paragraphs?


EXAMPLES

NO/UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

1. Agreeing/saying yes to everything.

2. Putting others needs before your own.

3. Feeling guilty about being assertive and going back on your decision.

4. Displaying codependency.

5. Grew up in a household where unhealthy behaviors and habits were considered normal or cultural. Grew up bottling emotions and anger because displaying them showed you as weak and emotionally unstable. Grew up seeing parents use verbal abuse, manipulation, and violence as a way to communicate and show love for another. Grew up searching for love.

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

1. Saying no. (Understanding limits)

2. Values personal beliefs and morales.

3. Being assertive.

4. Aware of self.

5. Grew up in a healthy household where healthy behaviors and habits helped you create an identity for self(created your own values and beliefs aka boundaries). Grew up seeing your parent/s discuss heated issues without using violence or yelling. You learned how to feel and understand your emotions without hiding them. You Learned how to do for yourself and others without losing yourself (aka setting boundaries ). You were taught how to love yourself and what it’s like to be loved back(not searching for validation and love).


Imagine your best-friend is coming into town and she wants to bring her dog to your place. This was not apart of the agreement when you both planned this mini vacation. The thought of dog hair, the dog smell, and everything else that comes with a dog does not settle well with you. You call your friend and explain to her that your not comfortable with having the dog at your place. Your friend is upset and wants you to understand your not being a good and understanding friend. She says “you don’t have to worry she’s potty trained, I promise everything will be sparkling clean at your place”. You still disagree, she makes you feel bad and says “well I’m no longer coming”. You call her back and tell her the dog. You made this decision only because you miss your friend and want to see her. You valued your friendship and ignored your own boundary. This isn’t the first time she’s told you that your not being understanding or compromising in the friendship. This isn’t the first time she’s threatened not to go somewhere unless you once again sided with her. Someone guilting you, using anger, and threatening to leave isn’t someone who respects you and or your boundaries. People will continue to walk all over you until you put your foot down. Many will see this as it’s just a dog. The dog is just the symbol. It could have been a boyfriend, gun, and or illegal drugs. Think of situations where you were always the person compromising but deep down you didn’t agree because the decisions were uncomfortable for you. You have the right to disagree with friends, you have the right to say no without an explanation, you have the right to do what’s best for you even if that means walking away from friends and family that don’t respect your boundaries. If it doesn’t feel right or go’s against your integrity, faith, beliefs, and standards, then stand your ground. You can never break a cycle if you aren’t aware you’re in one to begin with.

Let’s say your boyfriend/girlfriend likes to watch scary/love movies and you personally don’t like them and never plan too. You’ve been dating for 6 months and he/she says well my last girlfriend/boyfriend went!. If you don’t come then it won’t be the same. I guess I won’t go, if you don’t come. I’ll pay for it and you can eat any movie snacks you’d like. Trying any and everything to get you to do what you don’t want to do. You decide not to see the movie because it’s a boundary that your sticking too because you grew up in a household that displayed healthy boundaries that were respected. Unexpectedly he/she becomes upset with you. He/she says I’m not talking to you for day or they purposely put you on punishment because you didn’t do what they wanted. They just couldn’t understand why you can’t just see the movie. This person has no idea of boundaries for themselves or others because most likely they weren’t displayed to them growing up. They don’t understand that you don’t have to do everything together just because your in love or like each other. You have the right to like and dislike separate things. You don’t have to do things you don’t agree with(healthy boundary). Growing up your parents were totally different people and they never forced each other to do things they didn’t agree on. You decided to explain to him/her in a respectful conversation and they didn’t want to understand so you decided to do the right thing and cut ties with the person.


Immediately when I think of no boundaries, I think about, when relevant to you, you can use me as your trash can.


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